


This Time Around

by HarperJean, InvisiblyShaken_827



Series: Anthology Series [2]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Asylum, Alternate Universe - Black Magic, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Spring Awakening, Anthology, Cricket, Death, F/M, Fandom, Gen, Ghosts, Suicide, The One That Brings Me Back, crack ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2020-03-19 19:40:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18977059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarperJean/pseuds/HarperJean, https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvisiblyShaken_827/pseuds/InvisiblyShaken_827
Summary: Part Two of the Anthology Series. One story for every song.





	1. You Never Know

_“Whooooooa. You don’t know…”_

Taylor would never get over the roar of the crowd when he and his brothers stepped on stage every night. Sure, the venues were a little smaller than when they first started touring in the nineties, but he was positive that what the fans lacked in numbers, they made up for in sound. He figured that the dwindling numbers between the first and second records was for the best. It was less overwhelming. 

Although he did always seem to still get overwhelmed after shows, when he had to go down the meet and greet line and say hi to all the lucky girls who, for whatever reason, earned a coveted spot backstage to sputter out a few words and get something signed. He wondered if it would ever be comfortable. If he would ever blow through it with ease, without feeling like he needed to apologize for something. _“Sorry I’m not as cool as I seemed up on stage.” “Sorry you get all of five seconds talking to me.” “Sorry that you’re crying.”_

But when he was onstage, none of that mattered. He lived for the two hours he commanded the room, every person in the audience hanging on his every word, watching him flit across the stage, sweat dripping from his hair and falling into his eyes. 

The crowd in Tampa was particularly wild, and although he was exhausted from touring, and from staying up way too late the night before, he felt like energy was shot straight into his veins whenever the audience roared. There was one face in particular that kept sending jolts of adrenaline up his spine, and he couldn’t quite pinpoint why. They locked eyes more than a few times, and each glance felt like lightning bolt through his chest - making his fingers tingle and his heart rate spike. 

Once the show came to an end, he begged his brothers for another encore, but they declined, Zac clearly wiped out. They made their way to the green room to cool down and change before the meet and greet.

***

When they finally made their way out to to the tour bus and through the hoard of fans waiting to see them and perhaps snap a photo of them loading out, Taylor felt like he had just walked through a hurricane. He was out of his mind tired, and hoped that as soon as his head hit the pillow in his bunk, he would fall right to sleep. But his mind was reeling from talking to Molly, the girl from the front row who had somehow made her way backstage for a meet and greet. He had never, not once in his career, even thought about taking a girl to the stage to look at instruments. He rarely ever talked to any fan for more than a few seconds...maybe minutes if they were lucky and not rushed. But for some reason, something compelled him to whisk her away to the stage and, for the first time in years, have a real, honest conversation.

He felt like he had been slapped awake. But besides that, he wasn’t sure _what_ he was feeling. 

“I’m exhausted,” he announced once they were all on the bus. He walked straight to his bunk, not realizing that Ike was trailing behind him like a curious puppy. 

“Who was that girl?” 

“Jesus, Isaac, warn someone if you’re gonna sneak up like that,” Taylor said, grasping his chest for dramatic effect. “She was...I don’t know. A girl.” 

“Did you tell Dad?” 

“Tell Dad what?” 

“About the girl.” 

“Why do I need to tell Dad?” 

“Because he wants us to call those girls from Georgia tomorrow. He told me before the show.” 

Taylor rolled his eyes. Sometimes he wished he were already an adult and could make decisions for himself. It seemed as though at every turn of his life and career, his parents were there waiting to steer him in what they believed to be the right direction. 

“Okay. That doesn’t mean I can’t make friends.” Taylor climbed into his bunk and shut the curtains forcefully, wishing he had a door to slam. He just wanted to be alone and think about the girl he had just met. He wanted to listen to music and wonder if he should email her. Wonder if she would reply. Wonder if they would ever see each other again.


	2. If Only

“Let’s get a move on or we’ll miss the whole thing!” 

Isaac always seemed to find the precise moment Taylor was finally getting somewhere to shout to the heavens and ruin his flow. He’d been working on this song for weeks now and it was slowly driving him insane.

“You better get downstairs or he’s gonna blow a gasket,” Zac warned, slouching in the doorway. Taylor scowled and gathered his duffle bag, pad, and pencil. He followed Zac as he lumbered down the stairs, humming the hook over and over.

“There’s a song in here and I just can’t get it out” he mumbled, hanging his forehead with his palm.

“Huh?” Zac didn’t even look back at him as he went out the door toward the RV.

“Nothing...don’t worry about it, “ Taylor muttered. “It’s only our life’s work.”

He piled into the RV behind his brother, dropping onto the worn bench seat he always claimed on their many road trips. He quickly realized that no one was in the driver’s seat and it made him mad.

“Where is Ike?!” he shouted toward the back of the RV, where Zac was already sprawled out with his headphones on. 

“Keep your pants on,” Isaac said as he mounted the RV steps. “Somebody had to lock the door, right?”

“Just leave me alone. I’m working.” Taylor opened his pad and tried to ignore the dirty look his older brother was giving him. Isaac was right; he was being a brat. Still, he didn’t feel like downplaying his frustration . His brothers should feel grateful for his drive and dedication. Without him, they might never have had the chance to write a second album at all. He reserved the right to play the brat if it meant they’d keep getting to make music.

The engine roared to life and Isaac drove them down the long driveway and onto to bumpy dirt road. 

“Just 300 miles between us and Dallas, boys!” Isaac shouted, doing his worst impression of a cowboy.

“YEEEEE HAWWWW” Zac screeched from the back.

Taylor sighed heavily and pushed two throw pillows against his ears. He needed to get this song out before they got to Texas. They were heading to a three-day music festival to support some friends and do some networking. Isaac was always big on rubbing elbows with any semi-successful musicians, mostly because that meant there would be girls around. Taylor was happy to go, if only he could move past this tune that was plaguing him.

“If only…” Taylor scribbled the phrase over and over on his pad. The phrase fit nicely with the hook in his head. He let it loop in his brain, losing himself in the simplicity of it. He was finally getting somewhere.

***

Taylor woke with a start, the RV jostling him hard as it hit a pothole. He wondered how long he’d been asleep. He looked around, bleary eyed. Ike was still in the front, facing the desert road laid out before them. Zac was still lounging in the back in his own world. Everything seemed to be as it was before his surprise nap.

Everything except the cold piece of metal he could feel in his closed hand. 

He brought it to his face and realized it was a harmonica. He didn’t remember bringing a harmonica on this trip. He shook his head to make sure he was actually awake. He stared at the instrument in his hand, tempted to ask his brothers if one of them placed it there, when he was hit with the overwhelming urge to play it.

He was powerless to resist. He raised the harmonica to his lips.

Suddenly, there was music all around him. He was playing a melody he’d never heard and a fully produced track was backing him up. He was utterly confused but couldn’t bring himself to stop.

After what seemed like an eternity, the harmonica’s magic released him. But instead of being free, he heard himself being to sing. 

_Every single time I see you,_  
_I start to feel this way_  
_Makes me wonder if I’m ever gonna feel this way again…_

Was this divine intervention? Or the craziest dream he’d ever had? The only thing he knew for sure was that he was singing against his will. He began to lean into it. If it was some kind of miracle, who was he to fight it?

Then he noticed the others.

The RV was filled with strangers. They were throwing things and goofing off around him, making a mess of things. Zac had joined in, never questioning where these people came from.

Taylor wanted to ask but he was incapable of producing any sound other than the song. He felt a rush of relief when the RV stopped. He needed to get outside. He hoped the fresh air would break the spell.

He watched as the strangers began to pile off the RV, his brothers following behind. He could have sworn that some of them were moving in slow motion, jumping off the RV steps dramatically then hanging in midair for a moment before vanishing into the sunlight.

Taylor was determined to get himself out that door but he was stuck on the bench seat. He looked up to find a spotlight above him. It seemed to possess the invisible power to hold him in his seat, forcing him to keep singing.

_I wanna hold you and love you in my arms and then_  
_I wanna need you cause I need to be with you til the end_

_Wow, that’s catchy_ , he thought as the lines left his lips. He almost forgot about his mission to exit when he found himself transported.

He looked around to find that he was on the roof of the RV, his brothers beside him and the strangers gathered below, looking serious. He would have launched into a full mental breakdown except that the song he was singing was precisely the one he’d been struggling to write for weeks. He knew it the moment he sang it.

He felt relief and it distracted him from his confusion. He decided to give himself over to the moment. After all, he wasn’t getting anywhere fighting it.

Suddenly, there were people speeding across the desert on motor bikes, kicking up clouds of dust all around them. It was wild and definitely dangerous, but he was safe atop the RV. Until he wasn’t.

In a flash, he was standing on the desert floor behind a keyboard, motor bikes popping wheelies too close for comfort.

He glanced around, trying to keep track of them but he couldn’t stop playing the keyboard. He thought he might have a panic attack when he was once again relocated. His head was spinning as he adjusted to his new perch. He was high above the desert now, on rounded rock formations. He tried to steady himself with his right hand, but the song would not let up.

He was into the second verse now. The strangers from the RV were posing like models all around him. He found it absurd. One girl seemed to have an intense fascination with a giant spider that was making its way toward him.

He tried to scream, but there was only more song. When would it end?

Taylor stared into the void before him: desert dust and sky. He could sense the spider closing in on him. He was sure he’d feel its fuzzy legs tickling his hand any second. The thought sent shivers up his spine. 

In a flurry of dust and exhaust, a four-wheeler zoomed past and Taylor found himself transported once again.

 _And I’m back behind the keyboard_ , he thought, somewhat comforted to be someplace he recognized. His comfort was short-lived, though, as the dirt bikes and ATV’s raced erratically past him in all directions. 

He tried to pull his fingers from the keyboard. He threw a glance at Ike in a silent plea for help. Nothing worked. He was powerless. He focused on the song.

_I won’t go cause I need you_  
_Please don’t go cause I need you now…_

_This is the bridge_ , he thought, familiar enough with song structure to know what was coming. He prepared himself for another shock. Surely he’d end up somewhere new. _Please just not the spider again!_ he begged silently. 

He was relieved to find himself on the steps to the RV. He seemed to be alone and relatively safe. The bridge had some interesting layers he liked and he started to lose himself in the music again. 

He barely noticed when the RV vanished and was replaced by a campfire. The strangers were back and lounging around the fire. Everyone seemed relaxed and no one was revving the engine of a dirt bike, so he allowed himself to lay back and take it all in. 

_I got this_ , he thought, singing confidently into the night air. _The final chorus must be coming soon and then I’ll be free_ , he told himself. _Just ride this out._

Like a sick joke, the mysterious force that controlled him tossed him back and forth in violent flashes of light and sound. The RV steps, then the campfire, then the steps again. He was whipped around in space and time, making him disoriented and confused. Just when he thought it would never let up, the final chorus dropped. 

He groaned when he realized he was back on the desert floor with only a keyboard and his brothers to protect him from the daredevil strangers who seemed to never tire. He felt like he’d burnt out every nerve in his body. 

He clenched his jaw and tried to breathe. The dust and stress made it difficult but he pushed himself to stay alert. 

The dirt bikes swooshed closer and closer. The chorus was building and he knew the end was near. He hoped and prayed he would be free. He fought against any notion that there would be no end. He had to stay positive. 

At last, like a beacon of hope in the darkness, he found himself in the doorway of the RV. The song was nearly done and they were leaving the desert and the strangers and the spider behind. Finally! 

He watched as Zac slammed the door shut behind him, then promptly blacked out.

*** 

“We’re here!” Isaac’s voice boomed above him and Taylor bolted up from the bench seat. “Whoa, Tay….did I scare you?”

“WHAT...what?!” Taylor’s voice cracked as he got used to controlling it again. He stumbled around, startling his brothers. They stared at him. 

“You must have been sleeping pretty hard,” Zac said, trying to downplay his concern. 

“I was...dreaming?” Taylor hardly believed it. It seemed too real. He looked around the RV for any signs of the strangers or messes or piles of desert sand they’d surely tracked in with them. Nothing. 

“Well, I gotta pee, so if you’re good, I’m gettin' off this thing.” Isaac didn’t wait for an answer, hopping down the stairs and out into the parking lot. 

Zac put a heavy hand on Taylor’s shoulder and gave him a little nod, before following Ike outside. 

The air coming in through the open door was cool and Taylor decided to grab his jacket. He figured it must have been a dream. Nothing about it made any sense in the real world. He rubbed his face and let out a sigh, shaking off the remnants of his harrowing experience. 

He picked up his denim jacket with the lamb’s wool collar, prepared to never speak of the dream to anyone. He pulled the coat on and that was when he noticed the smell. Distinct and unmistakable. 

Campfire. 

“Guys…” he shouted after his brothers, chasing them through the parking lot. “...I think I’ve got a new song!" 


	3. This Time Around

Isaac, Taylor, and Zac passed the humongous house on Oak Hill every single day. They would ride their bikes to school and look up at the behemoth, placed precariously on the side of the cliff overlooking their town. Zac liked to pretend it was haunted, and spook his younger siblings as they drove by it on Sunday mornings, heading to church. Legend had it that the house had been abandoned since before anyone in town could remember, and that fact seemed to be widely accepted. Every so often, they would hear about some dumb group of kids attempting to break in, but the stories were few and far between. For the most part, the house was left alone. 

On the first day of school, while feeling over confident, Taylor had announced that by the time summer rolled around, he would make it inside of Oak Hill. Most had laughed at him, pointing out that many had made the claim but none had ever followed through. Not one to be taunted, Isaac had thrown himself into the narrative, claiming he would join his brother and bring out some artifact to prove their conquest. As is customary in such scenarios, a studious classmate insisted they draft a signed contract of intent. 

Now, three days before the end of the school year, with summer sulking just around the corner, the contract was hanging in plain sight on Taylor’s rusting locker. He groaned and looked around, wondering who had been holding out until this particular moment. 

Taylor’s stomach lurched at the thought of the excursion. The idea had sounded so good in his head, but summer drew closer, he wasn’t so sure. 

“Ooooh, that looks all official and stuff!” Zac said, sneaking up behind his older brother and snatching the contract out of Taylor’s line of vision. 

“Yeah, it does…” Taylor agreed, dejectedly. 

“This is so dumb. It’s just a house! Who cares!” 

Taylor looked at Zac with awe, and was inspired by his attitude. “You know what, you’re right. It’s just a house, and it’s definitely not haunted.” He added the last bit pointedly, remembering all the stories Zac had told Avery in a creepy voice in the backseat of his parent’s van. 

“This says that if you don’t go through with it, you and Isaac have to do the McClintock run.”

“Why the hell did I agree to this?” Taylor threw himself against the lockers and slid to the floor in a dramatic display.

“Tay, the McClintock run! You’ll be a laughing stock!”

“Zachary, I know…”

“What do you think it will do to me to watch my two oldest brothers run stark naked around the soccer field while the whole school throws fruit at you? What is that going to do to my psyche?!” Zac paced frantically.

“George McClintock was an animal.”

“Taylor! This is serious!”

Taylor stared at his brother and wondered if Zac would snitch if he decided to relocate to San Juan or somewhere. Suddenly, inspiration struck and he stood up, stopping Zac’s flailing with an iron grip on his shoulders.

“Zac. You don’t want to be laughed out of the school, right?”

“R...right…”

“Well then...you gotta help Ike and me break into Oak Hill.”

“W...NO! Are you insane?” Zac shouted and then paused. “Don’t answer that.”

“Zac, if you don’t help us, we’re not going and then they’ll rename the McClintock run the Hanson run and YOU will never ever get laid.”

Zac groaned but nodded, knowing that showing solidarity with his brothers was good karma...or something. “Fine,” he squeaked. 

Dinner that night was quiet, and unfortunately his parents noticed that their oldest boys seemed to be too nervous to speak or choke down any of their potatoes. Earlier that day, after the final bell rang and the boys began their journey home from school, they had decided that tonight was the night. They were emboldened by having Zachary along for the mission, and they walked their bikes home slowly, discussing their plan of attack. 

“We have to wait until Mom and Dad go to bed,” Isaac announced, as if it was a novel idea. 

“Obviously, Ike. What do you think we were gonna do...hey mom, hey dad, we’re just gonna go break into an old abandoned house. Don’t wait up! Yes, we have snacks!” Zac teased, cracking himself up. 

“This is serious, Zac!” 

“Again...it’s just a dumb house. I don’t understand what the big deal is.” 

“The big deal is that I don’t want to run around naked,” Taylor said, ending the argument. 

Now, they were at the dinner table, scooting their food around their plates while their minds were already heading up Oak Hill.

Jessica stared at Isaac from across the table and scowled. “Why are you guys so weird?” She smirked as if she’d delivered the world’s greatest insult and Isaac rolled his eyes.

“You’re weird….” he retorted, glancing at Taylor, who was sweating.

“Boys, if you’re not going to finish your food, please clear your plates and start cleaning the kitchen.” Their father never had much patience for antics.

Taylor jumped up without hesitation, relieved to get away from prying eyes. 

“Unbelievable,” Zac scoffed, prompting a hard kick to the shin from Isaac.

“Dad, tell them to stop acting so weird!” Jessica’s whining only increased the tension and Taylor bolted to the kitchen, his brothers hot on his heels.

“This is why we never get away with anything!”

“Listen, calm down. We’ll clean the kitchen like good little sons and then nobody will have anything else to say about it. Got it?” Isaac glared at the other two sternly until they both nodded in agreement.

When the kitchen was cleaned and the dishes put away, they boys trudged up the stairs to hide out until everyone had gone to bed. Luckily, they had the excuse that it was finals week, and they needed to study late into the night. Taylor even attempted to open his Chemistry textbook and absorb some of its contents, but his burst of motivation was short lived. The minutes crawled by. 

Around midnight, Isaac appeared in Taylor’s doorway, nodding solemnly. He was dressed in dark clothing, a flashlight in his hand. Taylor poked Zac, who had fallen asleep while waiting, and the three of them snuck down the stairs as quietly as they could. 

The ride to Oak Hill was unnervingly quiet. None of the brothers said a word, all of them thinking about the next hour of their lives, hoping that the plan would go off without a hitch. They knew the layout of the town as well as anyone, and made their way to the path that would lead them up the hill and to the house. When they came closer, they heard voices. 

Taylor looked at Isaac for reassurance, but found none. There were flashlights ahead, and the voices were growing louder. Laughter and the unmistakable abandon of youth. 

It only took a few moments to realize it was all of their classmates, gathered to watch them on their fool’s mission. 

“How many Hansons does it take to fail at breaking and entering?” 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Daniel,” Taylor muttered at the scrawny 10th grade heckler.

Isaac walked up to Daniel and looked down his nose in disgust. The boy shrunk even smaller and scurried into the crowd. Isaac turned to his brothers and nodded, then took long, confident strides toward the front porch of Oak Hill. Taylor and Zac trotted behind him, trying to keep up while also appearing as unphased as possible.

The steps that led to the porch were barely steps anymore. They creaked and buckled under their weight as they climbed, keeping as close together as possible. The crowd behind them grew silent, waiting breathlessly as history was being made.

Once at the top of the steps, Isaac froze, seemingly against his will. Taylor took a precarious step toward him, whispering into his ear.

“You gonna walk forward, or….”

“Move, I got this.” Zac was already at the window, trying to pry it up at the sill. Surprisingly, it slid right open as if it had been waiting all the years for anyone to dare and try.

Zac hoisted his leg up and over the sill, grunting with effort. 

“Help me, dude,” he whispered to Taylor, who cupped his hands and allowed Zac to use him as a ladder. The three of them could all feel the watchful gazes of the rest of the student body behind them, but refused to turn and look at them. Taylor’s heard pounded. He could hear Isaac’s breath catching in his throat. 

Zac fell to a heap on the floor inside of the window, jumping up quickly and taking in his surroundings. He didn’t see anything particularly scary. Old furniture draped with dusty sheets, beams of moonlight, a piano that was surely out of tune. 

“Guys, come on!” He popped his head out of the window and encouraged his brothers. “It really is what everyone says it is...just an abandoned house. Shocker.” 

Taylor came next, and Isaac followed suit, both of them landing in the same spot beneath the window. 

“Look, we’re in. Was that so bad?” Zac asked, walking towards a bookshelf on the far wall of the sitting room they had found themselves in. “What should we take to prove that this stupid trip was successful?” 

“Anything small,” Isaac said, surveying his surroundings cautiously. He didn’t seem as confident as Zac. He still felt the need to be careful. 

Zac approached the bookshelf and carefully picked through what he presumed was a stack of old newsprint. Just as he thought he saw something move on a lower shelf, a sharp ringing sound spooked him so violently, he caused the bookshelf to collapse.

“Out of tune,” Taylor said, plunking another key on the rickety piano.

“You scared me!” 

“Already wrecking the place, Zachary?” Isaac gestured at the pile of junk and wood that was once the bookshelf. “Let’s just find something good to take and get the hell out of here.”

“It smells,” Taylor said, moving slowly toward the doorway to the foyer. His brothers followed him closely, careful where they stepped on the unreliable floor.

“That’s it!” Zac exclaimed suddenly, pointing up the dilapidated staircase. There, on a shelf at the very top was an alabaster bust of some long-dead figure with round cheeks and a hooked nose.

Isaac and Taylor groaned in unison. 

“Haven’t we done enough? Do we really need to climb a staircase that has been around at least as long as that bookshelf you just destroyed?” Taylor asked. 

“FINE, be scaredy cats. I’ll go get it. And I will be the hero when I show everyone outside.” 

“Have fun,” Isaac grunted. 

Zac gingerly stepped onto the first stair, testing his weight on it before hoisting himself all the way up to the second floor. The moon was shining in through the foyer windows, casting the room in a ghostly glow, and making his ascension incredibly dramatic. He almost wished his classmates were inside the house with him. He felt like a invincible. 

“Hurry up, Zac! Let’s get out of here.” 

Zac scurried the rest of the way up the stairs and grabbed the bust, hugging it closely to his chest. He flew back down to the first floor and looked at his brothers with pride, brandishing his treasure. 

His face fell when he heard sirens in the distance. Blue and red beams of light made their way up the hill and through the dusty windows. 

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit…” Taylor muttered, looking from Isaac to Zac for any sort of answers. 

“Should we hide?” 

“There’s a whole crowd out there, Ike, there’s no way they won’t rat us out.” 

Zac walked towards the window. “Come on,” he said to his brothers, resigned. They climbed through the window, the lights from the police cars blinding them after the darkness of the abandoned house. 

A roar rose from the crowd of students. Zac hoisted the bust up into the air and smiled over at his brothers, basking in their accomplishment. Everyone cheered and clapped and chanted their names. Their smiles didn’t even come off their faces when they were shoved into the police cars and taken home. 

For one night, they were heroes.


	4. Runaway Run

Molly had never been one for staying in one place. 

She loved the summer and fall because that was usually when the guys went on tour, and she could tag along - exploring new cities with Taylor, going off by herself to find bookstores and coffee shops when they were doing a promo event, meeting fans from across the country and hearing their stories. Taylor assured her that she was needed and that she made everything run smoothly on the road, which was enough for her. She would accompany them, as long as they would have her. 

When they weren’t travelling, Molly and Taylor continued to live in their apartment in the Arts District, not too far from the studio. Molly loved her job more than she could possibly say, especially since the guys had handed over the production reins to her. She liked being in charge, and they knew it was for the best, even if the transition had been a little rocky at first. When she was in the room with them, there were four very loud opinions fighting for space, but eventually everything evened out. She would stay at the studio til the early morning hours, making everything just right. She even outworked Taylor, which shocked everyone involved. 

“I just want everything to be perfect,” she would say with a shrug and a sly smile. 

Which is why, late one night, she almost cried with frustration because she couldn’t make _anything_ perfect. She wasn’t feeling well, and had felt woozy all day. The next day was more of the same. Waves of nausea hit her at the most inopportune times, and when she told Jillian about her woes, her best friend looked at her in disbelief. 

“Hey Moll?” 

“What?” She groaned back. She felt like she was nursing a hangover that wouldn’t quite go away. She put her hands over her eyes and squeezed them shut, trying to push the nausea away enough to choke down some coffee. 

“Have you had a period this month?” 

Molly’s eyes shot open. 

“You don’t think…” 

“You might want to check…” 

The test came back positive and Molly immediately flew into a panic. She drove like a lunatic to Zac and Jillian’s house right outside of town, and let herself in without knocking. Jillian knew the results of the test as soon as she saw her friend pacing around the kitchen table. 

Jillian just kept assuring Molly that everything would work out, yes she could do it, and she had to tell Taylor. 

“He’s used to hearing this news, right? I think he’ll be fine,” Jillian stated, matter of factly. 

That night, Molly did her best to gather her courage and tell Taylor. She had done so many scary things in her life with reckless abandon, but for some reason, this seemed bigger than all of them. They had just dropped the kids back off at Natalie’s house for the night after a huge, loud dinner at their apartment. She had every intention of waiting until they were back home, but for some reason the dark sky and confined space of the car comforted her, and the words gushed out of her mouth before she could stop them. 

“Taylor, I’m pregnant.” 

She clapped her hands over her mouth, shocked at the sound of her own voice tumbling out of her. Taylor immediately pulled the car over, put it in park, and turned to her with happy tears in his eyes. 

His response after kissing her excitedly was a quiet “shut up,” signalling that the two of them had in fact turned into each other at this point. They dissolved into a fit of nervous, joyful laughter.

***

The stars were bright away from the city. Molly felt like she could disappear into the thick cloud of them right above her head. The idea was enticing.

“I feel like a teenager,” she said, giggling as she snuggled into Taylor’s chest. They were wrapped in a blanket together, their fire dying slowly, only a few embers left. She could hear the waves crashing at the bottom of the cliffs, but she couldn’t see anything other than the glow in the fire pit, Taylor’s face, and the stars. 

Taylor told his brothers about the pregnancy immediately, but both he and Molly wanted to wait to tell the rest of the family until she was a little further along. Molly felt insanely unprepared. This was all so out of her territory. She could do so many things with such confidence, but carrying a child was definitely not one of them. But she did like having this secret with Taylor. It felt like the old days. 

So they took their secret out west, and drove across the country to the Pacific ocean. Somewhere in the back of their minds they knew that soon they wouldn’t be able to act like the reckless teens they still felt like, so they needed to capitalize on the time they had and run away while they could. Molly curated a perfect playlist for days of driving, they rented a van they could sleep in on nights like this, and hit the road. They stopped at diners for big greasy breakfasts and gallons of coffee. They marveled at the size of the sky in the desert. They got to the ocean and breathed in the salty air. Just the two of them. 

“I feel like a teenager,” Molly said again, her voice catching. She didn’t feel like an adult woman, and she definitely didn’t feel ready to give birth to a child and take care of another human being. “How am I supposed to do this?” 

Taylor shrugged. “I did it when I was a teenager. I’m well versed in the art of surprise babies. We’ll figure it out, Moll.” 

Molly giggled despite herself. She supposed he was right. If anyone could help her through this, it was him. She was so worried about so many things - telling the family, the fans’ reaction, and the whole...raising a child thing. She could feel her face tense up in worry yet again. 

“Hey…” he took her chin and tilted it up so they were eye to eye. “We’re in this together, remember?” 

Molly smiled. Even now, she had to remind herself of that often. She was used to doing everything alone and figuring things out for herself. She had been committed to Taylor in one way or another for over a decade and she still had to remind herself that she wasn’t a lone wolf. 

“I remember.” 

The next day they started their journey back to Oklahoma, leaving the ocean in the rearview mirror. She held Taylor’s hand almost the whole way back. She wasn’t alone, and she never had been. Even through the years that she felt as though the person she loved was just a figment of her imagination, handwritten words on a page or a voice on her answering machine, she hadn’t been alone. All those days led to now, with Taylor’s hand in hers as they drove down a long road back home.


	5. Save Me

The words made little sense on their own.

Ramblings of a mad old hag who fancied herself a witch. Her only credibility came from the fables passed down by the neighborhood kids. Her look and manner a cartoon version of what someone decided witches were.

Still, she had a way about her that made Zac’s skin crawl. She could see into him and he felt naked. Exposed. He’d felt like he’d been followed all night and now he couldn’t escape her probing stare.

“Speak the words….” she hissed at him, rubbing her hands maniacally over her dollar store crystal ball. 

Zac rolled his eyes, plotting a way to coax his $5 back from her. It had NOT been worth it, despite Randy’s coaxing. 

“No refunds….” she spit, causing him to jerk backward in the dusty armchair.

Zac tried not to overthink it. Maybe she was used to people asking for their money back. Telepathically.

He shook his head, his long hair brushing across his shoulders. 

“Thanks, I guess.” He was at a loss so he took the card with the words on it. Jagged chicken scratch from a leaky pen. He wasn’t even sure he would be able to read it and the moment the memorize had long since past.

“You take. You read. Aloud!” She glared at him through her one good eye.

“Yeah, cool. Okay…..”

“Under a full moon!” she added, rising slightly and extending a mangled finger at him.

“Full moon. You got it!”

“Say them three times and NEVER EVER………” She stood up, raising both knobbed arms into the stale air. She froze there, like a nightmare.

“What? Never ever what?”

“Oh…..” she continued, lowering herself into her chair again. “......you know.”

“No, I don’t know!” Zac stood up, trying to keep his knees from shaking. She had him spooked but he didn’t want her to know.   
He heard a sound emanating from her then. A growl. A bellow. Something primal, coming from deep within her. He couldn’t help but back away, jostling the table and the crystal ball in a clumsy display.

He wanted to run for the exit, but his terror made his feet lead-filled. He couldn’t look away from her. Her chest rising and falling in laborious rhythm. The sound taking over his eardrums and reverberating into his brain and spine. 

The deep and ominous sound continued. So loudly, he was certain it would mask his screams for help.

Then, as if from heaven, a light poured into the tent, splitting the shadows in two. 

Zac finally regained his faculties and spun around to flee. He collided with Randy so hard that he thought his front teeth had come loose.

“Dude, whats taking so long?”

“Randy! Oh my god, thank GOD!”

“Holy shit, Z! You put her to sleep?” Randy waved a casual hand at the crone, snoring away in her chair. “I mean, I know you’re boring but you would think that if you’re paying someone to listen…”

“Shut up, asshole!” Zac was trembling. He knew he could never explain what had transpired. Not to Randy especially.

“Whatever, just…next time you want to try black magic to up your game, maybe don’t put the psychic to sleep?” Randy scoffed and dramatically exited the tent. 

Zac followed behind, more than thankful to breath in the night air. The usual fair smells filled his nostrils and he tried to focus on funnel cakes instead of fear.

He lagged behind his friends, trying to shake off his doom. But the card. It was still wedged in his hand, the scrawl smeared from sweaty palms.

“Randy, you owe me 5 dollars,” he hollered, tossing the card into the trash. Leaving the weirdness behind him.

Taylor watched his brother run after his friends.

He’d been watching them all night. Just a few steps away but ever unseen.

He approached the trash bin and fished the crumpled card from the mess of half-eaten corn dogs and spilled lemonade. He smoothed it out in his hand and examined it like hieroglyphics.

The words made little sense on their own.

But read aloud in order three times, they meant he could bring down the very sky itself.


	6. Dying To Be Alive

The last thing he could remember was his birthday party. The wide grin making his cheeks ache, the way his stomach jumped when the lights popped on and his friends sprang out of their hiding places, the way the candlelight hit Ellie’s honey colored curls as she carried his cake from the kitchen singing Zac into his twenty fifth year. 

After that, everything went a little fuzzy. Well into the party, he could have sworn the lights dimmed, but no one else seemed to notice. He swooned after only one beer, and was immediately embarrassed at his low tolerance when usually he could throw them back with ease. He put it in the back of his mind and sauntered over to his brothers, who clapped him on his back and congratulated him on the last year of his life. He looked over to the couch and caught Ellie’s eye, smiling at her sweetly. 

And then, it all went black. 

He woke up the next morning on the floor of his living room, but he felt...different. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes vigorously, in complete disbelief that he had blacked out after a single drink. And furthermore, that he had done it on the floor of the living room early on in the night and no one had moved him to his bed. He wasn’t a tiny guy, but he was sure that Isaac and Taylor could have handled it if they joined forces. The light in the room was grey and fuzzy, as though it was being filtered through gauzy fabric. The early morning light? He couldn’t be sure. He was a night owl by nature. He wandered around the apartment, hoping someone had stayed to look after him, but no one was in his bed or on the couch. He seemed to be alone. 

He didn’t feel hungover, which was possibly the strangest part of all. In fact he didn’t feel much of anything. Not tired or groggy or even hungry. He fumbled with his phone, wanting to text his family or Ellie, but it was dead. Just then, he heard keys in the door. 

_No one has keys except me_ , he thought to himself, feeling in his pockets for his set of keys. Gone. Zac could feel the panic rising in his throat. What was going on? Was he being robbed? Did someone roofie him last night? The questions swirled around his head as the door swung open and the bright, grey light from outside blinded him. He blinked furiously until finally the figures of Taylor and Isaac came into focus. They looked defeated. 

“What the fuck happened last night, you guys?” Zac asked as soon as they had completely stepped into the apartment. 

“So this is where it happened,” Isaac said. Zac realized there was a third person with them, who Isaac was talking to. Zac blinked a few more times, still adjusting to the light pouring in from the door. It was a police officer. 

“Did your brother have any enemies? Anyone who would have slipped him something in his drink; any grudges?” 

“I don’t think I have any enemies,” Zac said, thinking it odd that the officer hadn’t introduced himself or asked him the question directly. “Guys, thanks for calling the cops and all but I feel completely fine now.” 

“Not that I know of,” Isaac answered, completely ignoring Zac’s response. 

Taylor had taken a seat on the couch with his head in his hands. When he finally looked up, Zac saw tears streaming down his face. 

“And even if someone had roofied him, I can’t imagine anyone going as far as slipping poison into his drink.” 

Zac sat down next to Taylor, wanting to comfort his brother but finding it odd that he seemed to be the least worried of the three of them. 

“I really feel fine now, guys. I think the nice officer can go home.” 

“Please don’t change anything about the apartment. Don’t move anything. We’ll wait til the autopsy comes back of course. That will tell us a lot. We might not even need an investigation.” 

“There was nothing wrong with him!” Taylor blurted out suddenly, making them all jump. “He was healthy. He was like, never sick...I really don't understand…” 

Zac looked down at his hands. They looked the same as they always did, if not better. In fact, the callouses he often had from playing drums were completely gone. The skin no longer flaking around his nails. His mind was racing. What did all of this mean - his hands, the fuzzy light, the fact that no one was even looking at him. 

“Guys?” He asked meekly, understanding washing slowly over him. No one turned to look. 

“It was here?” The officer pointed to the floor, where Zac woke up only moments before. 

“Yeah...yeah it was. He just collapsed during the party. It was uh...it was his birthday.” Taylor stumbled over his words, his mind and mouth not working at the same speed. 

“Was he acting strangely before it happened?” 

“Not that I can remember,” Isaac said, squinting with concentration. Zac could see his brother thinking through the night in his head. The surprise, the music, the cake, the beer. “I mean nothing that would signal he was about to drop dead in the middle of his own party.” 

Zac heard a sob escape Taylor’s throat and turned to look at his brother. He looked so lost. So small. He couldn’t remember Taylor ever looking like that before. He didn’t care for it. 

“What does this mean, then?” he whispered to himself, knowing there was no harm in talking out loud since no one could hear him. Was he going to be stuck here forever? In this living room? In this apartment? What _was_ he? 

“What does this mean, then?” Taylor echoed, his voice catching. He was looking at Isaac hopelessly. Zac knew he meant what did this mean for them. For the band. 

“We’ll figure it out, Tay,” Ike replied, sounding just as unsure as Taylor but trying his best to be the supportive older brother with all the answers. “We’ll figure it out.” 

“Guys don’t leave,” Zac said quietly, hoping his brother’s would feel him there even if they couldn’t hear him. They would know that they needed to stay, maybe, if he tried hard enough to keep them there. He didn’t want to be left alone. He didn’t want to be stuck here while the police investigated and someone new moved in and life continued to spin on around him. 

“I can’t stay here any longer,” Taylor said, shaking his head and getting up off the couch suddenly. He hurried out the door, the police officer and Isaac trailing him closely. 

His oldest brother turned to survey the apartment one more time. Zac knew he couldn’t be seen but he swore Isaac looked right at him. He swung the door closed in Zac’s face.


	7. Can't Stop

Copper Oaks Psychiatric Hospital  
12019 West Shady Oak Dr.  
Suite #405  
Springlawn, KS 30306-7845

 

November 02, 2000

 

My Dearest Love,

The nights are getting longer here and all I can find to do to pass the time is to write to you. I tried other ways to occupy my restless mind, but all paths lead to you. I am powerless against the gravitational pull of your moon on my ocean. You are my everything. 

I wonder what you are doing at this very moment. I imagine your hair, dark and soft, blowing in the breeze as you lean out your window. That image of you is forever burned into my mind. 

You.

The breeze.

Your hair.

I will always remember you that way. Framed in your window, the light from your room giving you the halo you so rightfully deserve. You, answering the tapping of the rocks I threw to summon you, smiling at my tendency toward the over-romantic but loving me for it anyway. 

And me, trying to keep my heart inside my chest at the very sight of you. 

Remember? Your father, trying not to smile and pretending to scold me for the late hour. He told me, months later, he admired my dramatics. He scolded us then, insisting you get out of the evening air, that your lungs couldn’t take the shock and that I should be more careful. But I was never careful. There wasn’t time to be careful.

Time.

What a cruel construct. 

People say its something man created and it will cease to be if we cease to believe in it. But that isn’t true. If it were, I could have stopped the ticking clock that haunted us. I could have frozen you in that one moment, an angel in the bedroom window. Your time would never run out.

Our time.

Would never.

I wonder what you are doing this very moment. I   
Wonder.

Are you thinking

of me? Are you imagining me looking up at you. Catching my breath.

choking.  
Choking on the air that was supposed to give you life. Choking from the simplest of acts. 

Breathing.   
AIR IN AIR OUT AIR IN AIR OUT

You. cannot.   
Breath.  
Our time

Our time

Oru tmei Ouritmeuortmeruoemitemitruoemitruo……….

The nights are getting longer here and all I can find to do to pass the time is to write to you. I tried other ways to occupy my restless mind, but all paths lead to you. I am powerless against the gravitational pull of your moon on my ocean. You are my everything. 

I will be with you soon my love,

Isaac


	8. Wish I Was There

“Can I just leave these here?” Jillian asked, holding up a stack of freshly laundered clothes.

“You know, I’m starting to worry that you’ll be running around Tampa in the buff if you keep leaving all your stuff with me,” Zac teased. He had grown accustomed to the Sunday-night scramble they performed every other weekend or so. 

He and Jillian had been dating for just over a year and their frequent flyer miles had quadrupled in that time. Whether he was jetting to Tampa for a few days or she was meeting him in Tulsa, the trips were always too short and frenzied.

Zac had been feeling for months that the madness of long-distance love would eventually lose its luster. Every parting grew harder and harder. He didn’t want to do it anymore.

“Where did you go?” Jillian’s voice cut through his noisy thoughts and he found her looking at him with concern.

“I was just...thinking.”

“About?” She crossed to the bed to sit beside him, the stack of clothes piled in her lap.

“What if…” he asked carefully, fidgeting with the sleeve of a shirt in the middle of the stack. “...you just...leave everything here?”

Jillian sighed. It wasn’t as if this were the first time the subject had come up, but it certainly wasn’t something either of them had expressed in earnest. Zac and Jillian had always taken their time, even to a fault. This was no exception and Zac had no idea what kind of response to expect. After the longest pair of seconds passed, she finally spoke.

“I have been thinking about that too.”

“You have?”

“Of course I have,” she said, putting the clothes aside and turning to face him. “I’m getting tired of saying goodbye all the time, ya’ know?”

“I really do!” He took her hands in his and squeezed them lightly. “Jill, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I know you have a great job and a whole life in Tampa and…”

“Zac!” she interrupted. “Yes, I want to move in with you!”

“You didn’t even let me ask you,” he laughed.

“Shut up,” she replied, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him. He pulled her close and wrestled her playfully onto the mattress, causing the neat stack of clothes to topple over onto them.

“I love you, Jill,” he cooed, while she tried to free herself from the mound of laundry. She gave him a smile that was like the sun in the middle of the night.

“I love you too, nerd.”

***

Zac waved to Jillian as she stepped into the security line. Her flight would be leaving in just over an hour and she had a layover in Atlanta. He checked the Southwest App to make sure her itinerary was still intact. Everything was listed as “on time”.

He gave her one last wave and she blew him a kiss, her eyes still a little puffy from their tearful goodbye. 

“At least this time is one time closer to the last time,” she had said to him, holding his face in her hands. They had gotten very little sleep the night before, making plans for her move to Tulsa. They’d even started searching for bigger apartments and researching interstate moving services. Zac was more than ready to have Jillian to himself everyday, never worrying about packing, flying, and scrambling again. 

Once she had dozed off, he stayed up, his mind still reeling with hopeful excitement. He had a plan and he was determined that it would come off without a hitch. 

Once Jillian was out of sight, he dashed to the front of the terminal and caught a tram to the parking lot. He dialed Isaac on the way.

“Yo, this is Isaac, the best brother of all time.”

“Ike! Its me!”

“Yeah, Zac, I realize this.”

“Whatever,” Zac said, out of breath and too amped for Isaac’s silliness. “Listen, I’m on my way. Is everything a go?”

“Zachary, yes, it’s a go. Is this a military operation all of a sudden?”

Zac took a minute to catch his breath. The tram came to a stop and he skipped to his car.

“Ike, I’ll see you guys in twenty.”

“You got it.”

“And Ike?”

“Yes, Zachary?”

“Thank you.”

“Its worth it. Its for love!”

***

When the plane landed, Zac felt his stomach turn. He had wondered when the nerves might kick in. He glanced at his watch, pleased to see that they were right on schedule.

The pilot brought the small plane to the gate and welcomed them to sunny Florida. The humid southern air seemed into the cabin as the passengers deplaned. 

“Thanks, Dave,” Isaac said, shaking the pilot’s hand. 

“Happy to help, man. Good luck!” Dave shook Zac’s hand firmly. 

They made their way out of the small St. Petersburg airport and found a cab to take them to Tampa International, where Jillian’s flight would be arriving in just under an hour. Zac found it impossible to make small talk during the ride. His nerves were getting the best of him and he was sweating despite the cab’s AC. He was grateful that his companions didn’t press him for any conversation, clearly sensing the tension in the air.

Arriving at the airport, Zac could no longer hide his shaking hands. He tried to steady his pulse, but it was beyond his control.

‘You got this,” Ike assured him. “We’ll be right over here when you need us.”

Zac managed a smile, then walked toward the endless escalator descending from the floor above. He searched the list of arrivals and found Jillian’s flight number. He felt his heart skip a beat at the “landed” status listed beside it. He took a deep breath and fished the small box out of his backpack.

He had played this moment out in a million different ways in the months previous. He’d run through every scenario and every possible outcome. Still, this moment felt completely unprepared. He couldn’t remember any of his plans. This certainly wasn’t anything like he’d pictured it. Still, he knew he couldn’t wait a single moment more. He looked up the escalator just in time to see Jillian appear at the top.

She didn’t see him at first and he relished the chance to remind his feet to stay planted on the floor. He stood up straight and cleared his throat, the little box feeling heavy in his hand.

She looked up and gasped at the sight of him. A questioning smile spread across her face, infecting him as well. She walked down the last few steps of the escalator in shock.

“Zac, what are you doing here?” 

“I...I got a lift from a friend.” He guided her away from the steps and took a deep breath, still amazed at how affected he was by just the sight of her.

“You’re so sneaky,” she giggled, blissfully unaware of what was coming.

“Jillian Santoro…” he started.

“Y….yes, Zachary….what are you…?” She was catching on so he did the only thing left to do and knelt down in front of her.

“Jillian, you’re my favorite person in the entire world and I never want to be without you, ever again. When you’re not here….”

“Oh god, are you serious?” Jillian laughed through joyful tears.

“...I wish that I was there…” 

“Zachary Walker Hanson, are you seriously proposing with lyrics to that song?” 

“Stick with what works, right?” He let her pull him up from the floor and then opened the box, revealing a sparkling diamond on a simple band. Her eyes filled with tears again and she looked at him in a way that melted his heart. “Jill, will you marry me?”

“Of course I will, you giant nerd!” 

Without hesitation, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her passionately. He tuned out everything else around them, content to live in the moment as long as possible. A loud squealing snapped him out of it.

Jillian pulled away and was now in the enthusiastic embrace of her best friend, Molly.

“OH MY GOD, JILLYBEAN!!” she screamed, attracting stares from every corner of the baggage claim.

“Molly, how are you here right now?” Jillian was totally floored and looked to Zac for an explanation.

“I figured she was the one person you’d want to be here for this.” Zac felt proud of himself. 

“My buddy Dave has a small plane and he agreed to fly us out. You should know that Molly gave up three meetings at the studio to be here today.” Isaac must have been bursting to offer a detailed explanation because he spoke at a dizzying clip. Molly laughed and swatted at him.

“You know I wouldn’t have missed this!” Molly squeezed Jillian again and then crossed to give Zac a hug. “Well done, kid.”

“Yes, very well done,” Jillian agreed, pulling Zac to her and kissing him sweetly. 

“This is all so great, but will you please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD put that ring on?!” 

Molly gestured to the box still clamped in Zac’s hand. Everything had happened so fast, they’d missed that part entirely.

Jillian held out her hand and he placed the ring on her finger. The look she gave him made him feel a million feet tall.

“I really love you,” she whispered. 

He gazed into her eyes, wondering how he’d gotten so lucky. He remembered all the times he’d thought he’d never see her again or that they’d missed their chance. He thought about the years they’d tried and failed and missed. He thought about the very night he’d met her and how even then, somehow, he knew this was where they would end up. He kissed her again and vowed to himself he’d spend everyday of the rest of his life earning her love.

“Now can we get some food? I’m starving!” Molly’s voice echoed off the walls. Jillian tossed her head back and laughed. 

“Okay, the love fest is over. Let’s go, kids!” 

Isaac lead them all out of the airport, Molly and Jillian trailing behind and gushing over the ring. Zac caught up to his brother and looked to him for approval. Isaac gave him a wink and a confident thumbs-up. They waited silently for their Lyft while the girls giggled and chattered behind them. Then, just as the car pulled up, he leaned over.

“The song was a nice touch.”

“Thanks,” Zac laughed. “I thought so too.”


	9. Love Song

“I wish someone would have told me,” Isaac muttered, slowly raising his head out of his hands, his eyes bleary from crying. 

“Told you what?” His younger brother asked. Zac had been attempting to comfort Isaac after the news of Mary hit the high school gossip mill. She was a senior; beautiful and hopeful, long chesnut hair tied back into a perfect ponytail every day, a smile on her face. 

“How much this was going to hurt.” 

Zac’s brow furrowed with confusion. He knew that Isaac had always liked Mary. Since kindergarten, Ike claimed. But...they had never dated. Never even kissed, as far as he knew. He really couldn’t believe Isaac was taking it this hard. 

“C’mon man, you barely knew her…” 

Isaac looked up at Zac like his words had been daggers straight into his stomach. 

“How can you say that, Zachary? Don’t you know anything?” 

Isaac stormed downstairs, leaving Zac in the wake of his emotions and teenage longing. 

Zac had to admit, the story was sad. Terrifying, even. Mary never came home after cheerleading practice last Monday night. Pieces of her body were found a week later in the park a few miles from school, when a dog came back to his owner holding part of her foot in his teeth. Members of the cheerleading squad came forward saying they had seen her get into a car with someone they didn’t recognize. The killer hadn’t been found. 

Zac sighed, the weight of the story getting to him. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. It was too upsetting. 

When he stood up to leave, he noticed papers sticking out from under Isaac’s bed, scribbled with words. They were clearly supposed to be hidden, shoved under the bed with haste and panic, and Zac had a feeling he wasn’t supposed to be seeing them. 

He pulled them out anyway. 

The sliver of paper he had noticed was nothing compared to the amount of pages stored under the mattress. There had to be hundreds of them. All handwritten and messy, with chord progressions and notes in the margins. He knew Isaac spent hours up in his room practicing his guitar, but he had no idea that most of that time was filled with writing sappy love songs to the girl that would never love him back, hoping that one day she would hear a perfectly rhymed chorus and realize her mistake.

He heard footsteps on the stairs and hurriedly shoved all the papers back under the bed, hoping Ike wouldn’t notice their slight shift in position. He knew he had seen something he shouldn’t have, and his cheeks burned with guilt as his older brother walked back in. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Isaac asked. 

“Nothing I...I just...it’s just really sad.” 

“Yeah. Yeah it is.”


	10. Sure About It

“Taylor?” 

Taylor snapped out of his daydream and yanked his hand out of his pocket, the sound of Michelle’s voice startling him and causing his heart to race uncontrollably. He didn’t think anyone had followed him. He didn’t think anyone cared. 

“Michelle? Jesus Christ, you scared me.” 

“Did you lose something?” 

“Why did you sneak up on me like that? God…” He put his hand to his chest dramatically in an attempt to calm himself down. 

“What are you looking for?” 

What was he _looking_ for? He thought it odd that she worded it like that. She could have easily asked what he was doing, where was he going, why was he skipping school. But she asked what he was looking for, as though something had been lost in the first place. He avoided her piercing gaze. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to her, even if he often felt like she was the only one at school who understood him in anyway. At least before she dropped out. Now he had no one. 

“I don’t...I don’t know.” 

“Then why are you looking?” 

He finally looked at her. The look on her face was soft. Inviting. She looked almost golden in the dying afternoon light. He had come here for a reason, and he didn’t know why today, of all days, Michelle had decided to follow him down the creek that connected their houses. 

“I’m headed home...wanna come over?” She asked casually. He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. He couldn’t even remember the last time they had hung out outside of school. He liked Michelle, he couldn’t deny that. He liked the way she played her blue guitar and the songs she sang at the school talent show. He liked the way she didn’t seem to care what anyone thought. He liked the way she was so unlike him. 

“I don’t...I don’t know. Why don’t you ever come to school anymore?” 

Michelle heaved a heavy sigh and sat down on a rock by the water. “I decided to stop going,” she said with a shrug. “I don’t like it there. Everyone wants you to fit into a box, ya know? I just want to make music. My parents said I could follow my dream so I decided to just...go for it. I started booking gigs around town. Started focusing on songwriting. I’m gonna make a record soon.” 

“And they...just let you do that?” 

“Yep. They just want me to be happy. They just want me to do what I love. I don’t love high school. At all. It felt so suffocating. What about you, still in school?” She said with a smirk. 

“Unfortunately. But this is uh...my last semester.” 

“God, remember when you would come over when we were little? You and your brothers? We would just play in my backyard for hours.” 

Taylor felt the pull of nostalgia. He didn’t know if Michelle knew what he came here to do, or if she was bringing up happy memories on purpose. 

“You would come over with Zac when the lightning bugs started to come out and play hide and seek. Remember?” 

Taylor nodded wistfully. He didn’t want to get caught up in the memories. The memories would only make him put off the inevitable. 

“I’d uh...I’d better go, Michelle.” 

Her face fell. 

“Walk me home!” She suggested hopefully, her eyes lighting up at the thought. 

“And?” 

“And...and we’ll catch lightning bugs. We can sit in my tree house til dark. We can even sleep there if you want. I’ll steal wine from my parents and we can just talk all night. Or, whatever you want…” she glanced at him with a look he couldn’t quite read. He didn’t know if she was suggesting something, or if she really did just want to relive their childhood days of innocence. Either way, the offer was enticing. 

“The tree house was fun, wasn’t it. Back in the day.” 

“Yeah, it was. I’ll brush your hair if you want.” The suggestion made Taylor chuckle. When they were younger, his hair was longer than hers was. He wanted so badly to go with her. He didn’t understand what was keeping him from just taking her hand and running through the trees to her backyard. 

“I wish I could.” 

“Then why don’t you?” 

“I uh...I have a lot of homework. I need to get back and start on it.” 

“Oh right. Homework. Okay, well…” 

Neither of them wanted to leave, and they both knew it. Taylor wanted Michelle to keep talking about the time in their lives before high school and pressure and sadness and feelings too wide to handle. He wished he could go back to that time. He wished it so badly. 

“Yeah I have a paper and um...I have a test tomorrow. Math problems…” Taylor hoped that listing generic homework assignments would convince Michelle to leave first. That way he could wait until he knew she was home, back in her room, writing down new lyrics in her loopy handwriting and strumming her guitar. Maybe humming quietly to herself. “Goodnight, Michelle.” 

“Goodnight?” Her voice caught in her throat, causing Taylor to look up at her. Her eyes were deep pools of regret and confusion. Did she want him to come with her that badly? The thought of huddling in the tree house seemed more and more comforting. He was so sure an hour ago. He took his father’s gun out of the safe with quiet confidence. Every move was calculated. And now...

“I uh...I have a lot to do.” 

“Just for an hour?” 

“I can’t.”

“Well...walk with me, at least? It’s getting dark. You shouldn’t let me walk alone,” she said with a smirk that almost hid her desperation. 

“Honestly...I wish I could.” 

Thick silence hung between them. The longer she stood there, imploring him to come with her with the tears welling in her eyes and the quiver in her voice, the more Taylor began to panic and think he was making the wrong choice. His fingers slid into his jacket pocket, where he felt the cold metal of the gun against his bare skin. The sun was setting quickly, and the warm spring air was starting to cool at a rapid rate. Taylor shivered. He noticed that Michelle was only wearing a thin t-shirt. She must have been freezing. 

“You know...by the time you wake up in the morning I might be gone. I can do whatever I want now, ya know. Pack up the car and just go.” She turned quickly and scurried away through the trees towards her house. He knew when she got home she would be greeted with warm smiles and dinner ready on the table. He watched until she disappeared. 

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself. “Michelle?” He squeaked out, hoping his voice would carry but knowing the evening wind would muffle it. “Michelle??” Nothing. She was already long gone. 

He didn’t know why he didn’t go with her. He didn’t know why he chose to stay in this small clearing with a gun in his hand. He didn’t know why he couldn’t just pull the trigger. Everyone would be better off without him. But at the same time...there was the tree house. There were Michelle’s eyes. 

“For the love of God...all I had to do was say yes.” 

He took the gun out of his pocket and held it gingerly in his hands, Michelle’s words echoing all around him. 

_What are you looking for?_


	11. Hand in Hand

“Isn’t she a little young for you, dude?” 

“Shut up.” 

“I’m just saying…” 

“Yeah and I didn’t ask for your opinion, Zac.” 

“Fine, fine.” Zac put his hands up defensively and backed away from his brother. Earlier that morning, Zac had run into his Isaac’s unlikely hook up as she took the walk of shame out of Isaac’s hotel room. 

Isaac knew it was a bad idea, and yet, after a few too many post concert drinks, the idea seemed brilliant. There she was, an international superstar at his concert. Her golden curls were impossible to look away from, and he didn’t seem to be the only person under her spell that night. Fans in the crowd kept glancing up to the box she was watching the concert from, whispers of “...is that...that’s not Taylor Swift, is it?” were muttered in between songs. When she came backstage, her eyes were bright and excited. He knew she loved his band. He knew she had already had a few drinks. He knew she would need to be discreetly snuck out the back so she could safely make it home. Instead, he took her to his hotel room. 

“You didn’t.” 

Isaac’s mind had been wandering as he loaded his stuff onto the bus. He was exhausted from not getting much sleep the night before, and he just wanted to close his eyes and lay in his bunk as they rolled out of Nashville. Instead, Taylor was standing in front of him with disapproval in his eyes. 

“I didn’t what?” 

“You didn’t...hook up with _Taylor Swift_...did you?” 

“What. you don’t believe I could? I’m still the same guy that hooked up with all those girls back in the day.” 

“Ew, Ike, come on.” 

“I’m just saying.”

“Well, did you?” 

“Where did you hear that?” 

“Zac told me.” 

“Of course he did,” Ike said with an eye roll. He should have known Zac was going to blab to Taylor immediately. 

“You’re avoiding my question.” 

“Yes, I did.” 

“Oh, Jesus.” 

“What? Who cares! I can do whatever I want, Taylor.” 

“I mean, sure, you can, but don’t you think everyone is gonna find out?”

“How could they? No one saw her but Zac. It’ll be fine.” 

“Are you going to see her again, you think?” 

“I highly doubt that, Tay. She’s kind of uh...on a different level than us. Now please, leave me alone. I didn’t really get any sleep last night.” 

“Gross.” 

Isaac flopped back into his bunk and closed his eyes, simply wanting to shut off the rest of the world for a little while. Unfortunately, as soon as his head hit the pillow, his mind began reeling with thoughts of the night before. He couldn’t stop thinking about slamming the door and pushing her up against it, lifting up her short skirt and exploring what lay underneath. His hands in her hair. Her hands on his face.

***

Taylor wasn’t sure when her habit of hooking up with other musicians had started, or what sparked her need for it. It was like an addiction at this point. Go to someone else’s concert, go backstage, go to their hotel room. There was something about the way they never said no, their eagerness when they saw her hungry eyes. It was intoxicating. It made her feel powerful and older than her twenty three years. She had been misled and hurt so many times. It felt good to be the one in control.

When she went to the Hanson concert in Nashville, Isaac wasn’t necessarily the one on her radar, but he was the one giving her the most attention, so it was his bed she found herself in. When she left the hotel the next morning, she wondered how long she could keep this going before someone spotted her and started throwing accusations her way. She was getting sloppier. She knew that guests caught glimpses of her in the lobby and wondered if they had just seen a doppleganger, or the real deal. But it was fun to play with fire. It was thrilling to flirt with the inevitability of a media storm.

***

“Have you heard from...you know who?” Zac asked with a mischievous grin.

“Shut up,” Ike responded, throwing his empty paper coffee cup at his little brother. 

“Just wondering,” Zac shrugged and went back to his handheld video game. 

Isaac was ready to get off this godforsaken bus. It seemed like they were constantly trapped on it, at least recently. Maybe he was just more on edge. Ever since that night with Taylor, he felt like his senses were sharpened and everything began to grate on his nerves. No, of course he hadn’t heard from her. He hadn’t been expecting to. But why hadn’t he heard from her? She had his number. The ball was in her court. He had gone into the whole thing without expecting a thing, but now he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Wondering where she was, who she was with, what she was thinking about. Was it him? Did he fill her head as much as she filled his? It seemed impossible. 

Just as he was about to give up hope, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He didn’t want to let himself hope, even for a moment, but in the time it took him to remove his phone from his pocket and look at the screen, his brain filled with wild ideas of a second meeting, becoming each other’s confidantes, maybe something more. He shook his head, attempting to make the thoughts flee. 

It was her. 

_Thank you for an amazing concert last night. :)_

He stared at the message for the rest of the day. While they traveled to their next tour stop, he kept finding himself sneaking a look at the eight words, plus a smiley face, that she had texted him. Well...he figured it was her. It was a number he didn’t have saved but there was no way it could be anyone but her, right? He had no idea what to say back to her, so he didn’t respond. He had to think of the perfect combination of words. Something that didn’t convey the desperation he was feeling. 

“Get it together, Ike,” he mumbled to himself. 

“What did you say?” Zac asked as he passed Isaac in the hallway on the way to the green room. They were loading in for their show that night. 

“Nothing, just...nothing.” 

“Mmkay. Well...stop looking at your phone and get to the green room so we can figure out the set for tonight.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m coming.” 

His mind wandered as they discussed which songs they would be singing that night. They weren’t far from Nashville...maybe Taylor would come to see this concert as well. He fantasized about seeing her in the crowd, unannounced and unexpected. It would be an amazing surprise. 

“Ike, are you even listening?” 

“What? Sorry...what?” 

Zac rolled his eyes. “Never mind dude. Here’s the list.” 

Zac handed him a handwritten list of songs. Isaac looked over it and tried his best to process what his brother’s had picked, but it was hard for him to pull his thoughts away from Taylor, even for a moment. What had she done to him? Why couldn’t he focus on anything else?! 

Now that the set was chosen, they had a few hours to kill before call time and sound check. He decided to get away from his brothers, get some fresh air, and find a coffee shop for a pick me up. He still felt pretty groggy from his sleepless night. Coffee would be good. Coffee would fix things. 

He walked a few blocks, careful to sidestep the line of fans gathering outside the venue, and found a coffee shop that looked relatively empty. He was used to fans coming up to him and asking him for a picture, and on any other day he would have actually enjoyed it, but today he just wanted to be left alone, if only for a few minutes. He wanted to order his coffee, sit at a table, and figure out what he was going to text back. 

“Just a medium coffee please. Black.” 

He found a table by the window, and scanned the room, just to make sure there were no eager eyes waiting for the right moment to approach him. He didn’t see any. Everyone seemed focused on what they were reading or their phone screens. He sighed with relief, took a seat, and opened the text. 

_Thank you for an amazing concert last night. :)_

He couldn’t help but smile.

***

Taylor woke with a start. She had slept too long, the buzzing of her cellphone on her bedside table weaving into her dreams instead of snapping her awake. She glanced at it groggily, annoyed with the incessant vibration. She barely gave her number out for this very reason - so she wouldn’t have this many notifications. She rolled her eyes, unable to process the information or the words that all the texts rolling in were comprised of. She let her head slam back down onto the pillow and covered her face with her duvet, trying to block out the noise.

She knew before she even opened up her laptop and saw the headlines. She had been found out.

***

It had been a week since the night in the hotel with Taylor, and Isaac was still thinking about it more than he let on. He checked his phone more often than usual, hoping to see a response from her, but never reaching out more than his initial text back that day in the coffee shop, when he had finally settled on “Thanks so much for coming!” He immediately regretted his choice of words, and hoped she wouldn’t misconstrue his innocent sentiment into something much dirtier...even if he _had_ made her come multiple times within the span of the night.

His fingers instinctively directed him to her text message every time he opened his phone before a show, a new habit that he knew he would have to kick at some point if her silence persisted. He navigated away from it and opened the band’s twitter account, looking for something mindless to scroll through. The headlines began slapping him in the face. 

Multiple pictures of Taylor leaving venues with other male musicians, including him. Pictures of Taylor leaving hotel rooms the next morning, sunglasses on and head down. They were grainy and clearly taken from hiding places in bushes and behind parked cars, but there was no denying that Taylor was holding hands with a smattering of different men, all who had just finished a concert and probably invited her backstage, thrilled that someone of such fame was attending their own show. The blood drained from his face. 

He had spent a week letting this girl drive him wild, and now he felt wild in a completely different way. He picked up his guitar and went on stage, fire in his eyes. He played like a mad man.


	12. In The City

We woke up before the sun. The night before had been like a whirlwind fantasy: hot sidewalks, sweaty masses and a swirling intoxicating energy like nothing we had ever known before. We’d stumbled home from the show, high on numb legs and dehydration but ready to do it all again.

The morning had hardly begun when the wheels hit the pavement, preparing to drive the 480 miles to Atlanta. We got the largest iced coffees allowed by law and set our eyes on the horizon. We drove forever, stopping only for food and more caffeine. 

We listened to every song they’ve ever made including the holiday albums. We sang along, talked about nothing and everything and drove until the buildings became fields and trees and billboards.

The hours passed like so many orange groves. We were fueled by Starbucks and adrenaline, pulling into the hotel parking lot nearly 9 hours later. Nothing felt real. It was like something out of a movie where the characters live lives far more interesting than ours. 

We took hurried showers and changed clothes, ready to line up again. We had no idea what to expect but we were too tired to care. We arrived at the venue to find a very different picture than what we’d seen the day before.

The line was shorter and the mood was much more relaxed. We were relieved to learn that all of the intensity and danger of the previous night was gone. The Atlanta crowd felt like a welcomed respite. 

The doors were set to open in just under an hour and we spent the time making small talk with other fans. We took pictures and found each other on instagram. We talked about the shows we’d been to and all the crazy tales that come from following a tour. It’s always amazing, meeting people in line for a show. You never know if you’re meeting another casual acquaintance or someone who might become one of your closest friends. 

All at once, the venue doors were opened and we filed in, orderly and respectful. We took our places front and center, against the barricade. Our tired bodies ached but the energy of it all was enough to keep us standing. We look at each other, expecting the lights to go down at any moment. We know that once the show begins, the electricity of it will infect us and transport us; link us all together for that singular moment in time. We look at each other and realize that the magic of it absolutely lies in the mutual love for this band and the music, in the high stakes and crazed crowds, in the history and the journey and everyone knowing the words. But more than that...the magic lies in how lucky we are to be there. 

Together.


	13. A Song To Sing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an epilogue to the full length fic, "CRICKET", which can be found here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10884267/chapters/24186168

_Summer, 1976_

“Zaaaacharryyyyy…”

Cricket’s sing-song voice echoed through the house. She dropped her bags dramatically in the front hall, trying to make as much noise as possible so as to disturb the air enough for her younger brother to sense her presence. She had turned in her last final of the semester only a few hours before, but rushed out of campus as quickly as she could, wanting to make it home before sunset. Otterbein College was only a ten minute drive to her house, and for all intents and purposes she could easily be living at home, but when the time came to make that decision, living somewhere new seemed important to her. The boys agreed. 

On the flip side, she could also stay on campus for the summer. Her scholarship covered summer classes, and being out of the house had been good for her in every single sense. But, she knew that summers were sacred in the Hanson house. Even Isaac, who now lived in Columbus with his wife, came home for long periods of time during the summer months. 

“ZAC?” she replaced her gentle inquiry with a full throated yell. Where was her brother? Surely he was home from school by now. He only had a handful of days left as a senior, and then she and Isaac, and hopefully their father, would attend his graduation on the football field. She swelled with pride just thinking about it. 

She trudged into the kitchen and got a cold coke out of the fridge. She noticed a note on the table, scrawled in Zac’s hand, letting her know that he was out with friends, celebrating the end of the year. It was strange, but brought a smile to her face. Not even four years ago, the family kept to themselves. The four siblings spent all their time together, and even Isaac being off at college somehow felt wrong. All of Cricket’s memories were filled with her brothers - their smiles and eyes. Now, the three of them that were left led three completely different lives. 

She wandered through the house, bringing her bags up to her room, opening her windows and letting fresh air into the stale space. Everything was exactly the same. The flowered wallpaper, the fresh linens on her bed, the white dresser filled with clothes that were now too small for her. She wiggled into the window sill and let her legs dangle outside while she sipped her soda. And of course, because it was inevitable when she stepped foot in her childhood home, she thought about Taylor. 

It had been four years, but it felt like a lifetime. When Taylor died, Cricket was sure her life was over. Every single day felt like a herculean task. Getting out of bed seemed unnecessary. She could still remember how heavy she felt underneath Taylor’s old clothes, sleeping in his bed, sitting at the piano that he used to play. She gazed across the sunlit yard, the breeze blowing lazily in the trees. She could almost see Zac and Isaac throwing a baseball, like they had in summers past, laughing and yelling up to her in her windowsill, asking when they should all trudge inside and start dinner. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, taking in the smells of her childhood, which still lingered even though she was gone. Even though he was, too. 

“CRICKET??” For a moment she wasn’t sure if she was still dreaming about the past or if she actually did hear Zac barreling up the stairs. The answer came when her door flung open and she saw Zac’s face, his brown eyes shining with excitement and hope. He now towered over her, having grown significantly in his final years of high school. He looked like a man, there was no denying it, and he kept his hair cropped close to his skull ever since Cricket cut it for him the summer of Taylor’s death. 

Cricket flew off of the windowsill and leapt into Zac’s arms, excited to see her brother after so much time apart. “The graduate!!” She exclaimed as he hoisted her up into the air, laughing at the force with which he was able to spin her around. So much for being the big sister. 

“Not yet! Two more days, then it’s goodbye high school forever!!”

“So you’re really gonna miss it, huh?” Cricket asked, the sarcasm dripping from her voice, giggles erupting at the end of her question. They all knew that Zac had always hated school. Sitting in a classroom for hours on end had never been something he enjoyed or excelled at. 

“Not...at...ALL!” Zac paused in between each word for emphasis, making Cricket laugh even harder. 

They made their way downstairs to wait for Isaac on the front porch. Summer brought sad and painful memories, but Cricket would never get over the golden glow of this time of day during the summer months. It was just so magical. Anything seemed possible. That was the problem, she supposed. 

“I can’t believe I’m almost out of there,” Zac mused, after a few moments of peaceful quiet. 

“I’m not gonna lie to you, I was so happy to be done with that place.” 

“Yeah, I bet.” 

Cricket’s time in high school after Taylor’s passing was not easy. People were constantly walking on eggshells around her, trying their best not to bring up the dead brother. But college had been a new beginning. Even though she had decided to stay in Westerville, she was surrounded by new people and experiences. She spent most of her time on campus, which to her, was a completely different world. She learned so much every day, and thrived off of the academic environment, the brick walls, and the tree filled courtyards. At Otterbein, barely anyone knew about her brothers. She was just Christine. 

It was amazing really, how life had just marched on. The time continued to pass, seasons continued to change, each of them continued to grow older. 

She told her closest friends at school the story of her brother, but tried her very best not to make it too sad. There was no denying it was tragic, and that she still missed him. She missed him every single day, and probably would until her last day on earth. But she tried to make the story about the deep, unconditional love they shared...all four of them. 

“There he is!” Zac popped up from his perch on the porch and ran to the end of the driveway, even though Ike’s car was still just barely in view. Cricket followed him, grinning widely. Maybe the three of them could go to the Westerville Grille for burgers and milkshakes. The perfect start to summer. 

When her oldest brother pulled into the driveway, she and Zac opened the doors and practically pulled him out and back into their world, the one they no longer lived in but the one they still shared. She felt so much older, and for that she was grateful. 

“Welcome home!” Zac said, heaving Ike’s bag onto his shoulder and guiding him into the house. When they got inside Zac immediately turned to them and asked if they were hungry, causing the older two to laugh at the predictability of the situation. 

“Wanna walk to the Grille?” Cricket suggested, knowing the answer already. 

The three of them walked together in the dying light of early evening, talking loudly and excitedly about the impending graduation and plans for the few days they would have together, just the three of them. To an unknowing eye, it seemed as if this was as it always had been. No one would ever notice that there was a space in between Cricket and Zac just big enough to fit another body, that they made without agreement or predetermination. No one would think that they used to communicate with just looks and glances, words so often unnecessary, or that the trio had become good friends with grief and tragedy over the years. 

But to a knowing eye, a reader of the story, they were clearly just three kids who had grown up. And if you looked closely enough, you could see a boy with long blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes, walking in perfect time beside them.


End file.
